Portrait Of Multi-Cultural Primary Or Elementary School Student Friends Lying On Grass Outdoors

A Dad’s Perspective on the Growth Paradox of Parenting

words by Marc Boston
How Children Learn & Grow in Stages & Spurts
Rev. Marc Boston stands in frotn of red wall

Welcome to the Paradoxes of Parenting, a new series where we’ll explore some of life’s most intriguing paradoxes—those apparent contradictions that reveal deeper truths about our everyday experiences and how we can apply them to the practice of parenting. From the growth paradox of how we often learn the most when we feel we know the least, to the money paradox of how the pursuit of wealth can sometimes make us feel less free, these paradoxes challenge us to rethink how we approach parenting, personal growth, and our relationships with others.

As a dad, I’ve found that understanding these paradoxes has not only shaped the way I co-parent my children along with my wife, but also how we navigate life’s complexities. In each article, I’ll dive into a different paradox, unpack its meaning, and share how it resonates in the context of parenthood, community, and the broader spiritual journey. Together, we’ll explore how these paradoxes can help us find balance, wisdom, and ultimately, a more fulfilling life.

Children’s Gradual, Then Sudden Growth: The Quiet Foundation

Parenting often feels like a slow, ongoing effort, with moments of frustration when it seems like things aren’t progressing. Whether it’s communication, schoolwork, or physical and emotional development, it can feel as if your child is stuck in a certain stage, and your efforts are going unnoticed. The Growth Paradox perfectly captures this experience: growth happens gradually, then suddenly. Much like bamboo, which grows quietly underground for years before shooting up 90 feet in a matter of weeks, our children’s development often takes place beneath the surface.

As parents, we can feel overwhelmed by the constant need to reinforce lessons, set boundaries, and teach new skills, only to wonder if any real progress is being made. This is the silent work of growth—the quiet foundation being built day by day that we may not see, but is essential for the breakthroughs to come. Understanding this paradox reminds us that, even when it feels like little is happening, we are doing more than we think to support our children’s growth.

When the Flower Shoots Up

A smiling young girl sits on a white bed, tying her shoes, in a naturally lit bedroom with large windows.

Then one day “out of nowhere” she sat down and tied her shoes all by herself. It wasn’t the first time we’d tried, but it was the first time everything suddenly clicked. She’d been quietly building up the muscle memory, forming the brain wrinkles, internalizing the steps, and connecting all the dots of information I had been giving her. The growth had been happening gradually, like tree roots growing beneath the ground’s surface, until suddenly, it blossomed in a moment of independence.

Even though it didn’t feel like progress was being made in those early days, that patience and repetition were absolutely necessary for the breakthrough that eventually sprouted. I think back to our second daughter’s first time reading aloud or our third daughter solving a complex problem. My wife and I had been working with them for months, but when it “suddenly” happens, it feels like an overnight change. One day, they’re learning the letters of the alphabet, and the next day, they’re reading entire sentences without help. It’s the Growth Paradox at work in our lives: the gradual foundation of knowledge and skills suddenly culminating in unexpected, rapid transformation!

The Growth Paradox in Stories: Where Life and Art Imitate Each Other

You’ve likely noticed how the Growth Paradox shows up in both books and movies, where characters’ journeys unfold much like our own lives—starting slow and barely noticeable, only to suddenly explode into dramatic transformation. These storylines reflect the real-life process of growth, where progress often feels imperceptible until, at some point, everything shifts and change happens quickly.

In the The Little Engine That Could by Watty Piper, the little engine’s journey is slow and incremental at first, but once she believes in herself and gets going, she suddenly finds the strength to pull the heavy load over the mountain. This is a classic example of gradual progress leading to a sudden breakthrough. Or how about Daniel-son from The Karate Kid. His growth seems imperceptible at first, as he practices waxing-on and waxing-off cars and painting fences. However, these small, slow, seemingly unrelated tasks and steps eventually build up, leading to a sudden and dramatic improvement in his skills.

How Incorporating the Growth Paradox Changes How We Parent

A cute little boy is playing and having fun with an educational Montessori toy while sitting on the floor at home. The parents are lying on the floor and smiling at their smart son.

Once I understood that growth unfolds slowly at first and then accelerates unexpectedly, I shifted how I approached parenting. I learned to trust the process more and focus less on immediate results. This shift brought me greater inner peace and improved harmony at home. I started to slow down, resisting the urge to rush through each stage, and learned to appreciate the journey. Even during times when it seemed like my child wasn’t progressing, I knew they were still laying the groundwork for their next big leap.

Rather than getting frustrated with the slow progress, I’ve begun celebrating the small wins, the moments when our children pick up a new skill, express themselves in a new way, or show some level of understanding I didn’t expect. And when the sudden leaps happen, I appreciate how they’re the result of all that quiet groundwork.

Parenting Tip: Understanding Children’s Growth

Parenting isn’t always about seeing immediate results—it’s about nurturing gradual growth and trusting that, one day, it will all click into place.

Charlottesville Parent Support Group

Diverse group in a circle, discussing in a bright room. Mixed genders, engaged in conversation, sharing ideas, and listening attentively. Diverse people sitting in a circle of support from community.

If you’re feeling like your child has reached a temporary plateau in growth, consider connecting with the Reflective Parent Support Group offered by Our Neighborhood Child Development Center. They offer guidance and reassurance along your parenting journey. Sometimes, just hearing how other parents in our community navigate similar struggles can help us see the growth happening in our own families. You’re not alone in this journey, and there’s always support available when we need it most.

Re. Marc Boston is a father, husband, children’s book author and ordained interfaith minister in Charlottesville where he serves as Chaplain at UVA Medical Center. He has three daughters and a beautiful wife who inspire him every day. His academic background is in psychology and theological and ministerial studies. His mission is to create stories that emphasize the importance of diversity and inclusion and reflect on topics surrounding definitions of family values and self-empowerment. You can purchase Marc’s beautiful children’s books from local bookshops: “Promise to Grow”, “Dad is Acting Strange”, “The Girl Who Carried Too Much Stuff” and “What About Me” He also writes about conscious parenting and self-discovery on his website

 

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